“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?