If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t