I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Happy weekend !
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
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Password ex…
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary