ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
🤣🤣
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Brilliant!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.