The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
You Might Also Like
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.