shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
There are no pants in heaven.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
blocked.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004