If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?