found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Nice try, NASA
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it