*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I am all good here, 😂😉
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.