I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m being attacked 😭
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Writing, She Murdered.