[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Stonehinge
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.