How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
do u think theres a butter planet?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
#MeanwhileInCanada