for all #parents out there
You Might Also Like
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Mission: Impossible
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.