Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.