“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Hello Twits.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.