“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”