Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You Might Also Like
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Van Gone
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.