[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…