I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
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Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”