if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
So true for me
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that