My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.