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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.