Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Anime is real
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.