HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Monday Lisa
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The struggle is real
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.