I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.