Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Meow
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.