Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?