I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor