You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
is this store having a stroke wtf
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol