I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”