Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets