It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
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