What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION