Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on