“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up