Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The days of good grammer has went
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Clients after you give them your rates
So, can we agree on 4 or
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon