October already? What’s next? November????
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.