Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
You Might Also Like
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
How your email finds me
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.