my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”