5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.