Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent: