Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
You Might Also Like
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Actually cracking up @ this
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer