The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.