The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say