One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
But wait…
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.