PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
You Might Also Like
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The news
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Seems legit
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not