If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David