husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.