Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Bros before Ohioes
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?