Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please